How to Please the Juggalo in Your Life This Holiday Season

Ho! Ho! Ho! Juggalos enjoy the holiday spirit just like anyone else.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Juggalos enjoy the holiday spirit just like anyone else.
Photo by Jack Gorman

The holidays are upon us, and the chance to gather with our loved ones and be merry is nearly universal at this time of year, although not everyone chooses to celebrate in the same manner. Many of us will be putting up a tree and decorating it, while the yearly 24-hour "A Christmas Story" marathon rolls on in the background, perhaps wishing that Houston's weather was a little cooler and we had a chance at snow. American culture is diversifying, and unconventional subcultures continue to emerge, so a few of us may find ourselves wondering how to share some holiday cheer with a loved one who dances to the beat of a different drummer — or, if that loved one is a Juggalo, to music made by hip-hop performers who wear horrific clown makeup.

Here are a few tips for enjoying a merry holiday season with your Juggalo friends and relatives:

3. Get the Music Right.

Sure, the entire Juggalo community is built around the music of a specific band, and others inspired by them, but spinning any ol' record by ICP or one of their Psychopathic Records label mates isn't going to impress your daughter's new boyfriend, "Stabkilla K." (Don't slip up and accidentally refer to him as "Kevin"...He hates that.) Fortunately, there is a fair amount of Juggalo Christmas music available if a person digs around a little bit. In fact, ICP released their own album of Christmas songs way back in 1994 with A Carnival Christmas, so reaching for that holiday classic should lift the spirits of any Juggalo who's visiting your home.

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With tunes like "Santa's a Fat Bitch," "Red Christmas" and "Santa Killas," one doesn't have to be a Juggalo to get in the mood for... Killing Santa? And if those songs aren't enough to keep your party going all night long, spinning "A Cut-Throat Christmas" by Twiztid is sure to warm the cockles of any Juggalo's heart. Seasonal favorites like "Fuck You It's Christmas," "Waiting On Christmas Gifts," "Sad Christmas Song" and "Lonely On Christmas" are almost guaranteed to fill everyone with cheer.

2. Get Appropriate Gifts.

Finding the perfect gift for your favorite Juggalo might seem like a challenge at first, but fortunately ICP has made it easier than you might think. Heading over to the band's merchandise website, one will find all sorts of horrorcore gear sure to please the discerning Juggalo. Sure, there are plenty of ICP hoodies, shirts and other swag available, but they also are selling a special "Hatchetclaus" Xmas shirt, which blends the holiday spirit with ICP's "Hatchetman" mascot quite nicely. I was also able to locate themed Christmas ornaments that can be personalized with your favorite Juggalo's name, and those are sure to become cherished family heirlooms down the road. Honestly, though, heading down to the local costume store and buying some quality clown makeup would probably also go over well — no self-respecting Juggalo can ever have enough clown white in his or her arsenal.

1. Refreshments. You'll Need Refreshments.

No holiday gathering would be complete without some excellent food and drinks on hand, and although nearly any pizza delivery would probably cover your Juggalo loved one's munch needs, for drinks only one thing will do. You'll need Faygo. Lots and lots of Faygo. In this part of the country, that can be easier said than done, since finding the Juggalo-preferred soft drink on store shelves isn't as easy as one might think. However, don't despair; it can be found if one applies oneself hard enough. I've spotted the elusive elixir at a Fiesta, so it must be available at some places around here. Leave yourself plenty of time to search in advance of your party, because ordering Faygo to be delivered from out of state could get expensive. Once you've got the multicolored sugar water that Juggalos crave the most, don't get lazy. Sure, it can be served straight out of the bottle, but why not get creative and come up with some Faygo-based holiday drinks? Drop 20 ounces of "grape" into a batch of eggnog, and watch everyone's eyes light up with glee. Mixing "Redpop" Faygo into a punch bowl of wassail will warm your guests' hearts along with their tummies, and throwing in a little vodka probably wouldn't hurt their holiday spirit either.

Remember, holidays with friends and families are a time to spend time with one another and to put aside our differences. Say what you will about Juggalos, but they seem to have a deep sense of commitment to each other — ICP just sent a young girl who was severely burned and lost her family to a fire a whole bunch of Christmas gifts, because her father had been a fan of theirs. That's a pretty charitable move by guys who often sing about murder and wear clown makeup, and is a true manifestation of the holiday spirit. Perhaps we can all learn a lesson of acceptance and love from the Juggalos in our lives. A real holiday miracle.


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