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Super Bowl Shuffle: Five Houston Texans Who Should Record an Album

Which Texan could get the fans dancing like this?
Which Texan could get the fans dancing like this?

I just finished watching the Houston Texans defeat the Minnesota Vikings in the first preseason game of the 2013 season. As you read this, I'm fewer than four days from firing up the grill, knocking back beers and listening to get-pumped music with great friends at Reliant Stadium's preseason opener, my 12th in a row.

Best week of the year.

When we last saw Texas' winningest NFL playoff team of the current century, they were getting killed by Aaron Hernandez (though not literally, thankfully) and the New England Patriots. Only the Brady Bunch and four more quarters of professional football stood between them and the Super Bowl.

Hopes are high again this year. Maybe it's just my unabashed fervor for the home team, but I'm drinking the battle red, liberty white and deep-steel blue Kool-Aid, people. This is our year. See you in New Jersey come February.

Inevitably all this singing the Texans' praises got me wondering whether any of them could sing. Can at least one carry a tune the way Ben Tate carries linebackers across the goal line?

In my ongoing attempts to get any of them to read anything I've written, solely so they'll know how much gratification they've brought to me, my family and friends, here's a loosely researched and predominantly supposed blog pondering this very question. (Sorry, it's not a real sports article. If you need that, go read Sean The Cablinasian.)

Which Texans should make an album? And which genres of music are best suited to these fellows?

One note: every Texans player appears to want to be a rap star. There's only room for so many hip-hop artists and Arian Foster has already begun covering this ground, putting his poetry to beats with the guidance of H-town's own rap legend Bun B -- whose name will be frequently appearing in the remainder of this blog -- so, I'll be skipping the rap category in these suggestions.

QUIET-STORM R&B This was a no-brainer. Step up to the microphone, Duane Brown.

The best offensive lineman in the league recently shared his pregame playlist with grammy.com and it was mostly rap-oriented. But I still see him as the next coming of Gerald Levert.

For one, he's got the voice. You know he can go baritone with the best of them. Also, he's married to radio personality Devon "Devi Dev" Brown, so music isn't an afterthought in his life, it's at the forefront. And, by many documented social media accounts, Brown might be the nicest person in the city. He's a sweet guy. He's got natural lovin' in him.

Let me tell you all something - a couple of our season tickets are three rows up in section 134. From there, you can see how ginormous Duane Brown is. The man dwarves most of his hapless opponents. He can sing whatever he damn well pleases. Who's going to tell him he can't?

METAL I scanned the Twitter pages of many of the Texans, searching for at least one mention of Slayer or Megadeth. No luck. However, I did find out that practically the entire roster follows @BunBTrillOG.

I considered Brooks Reed. After all, he's got the hair for hair metal. His hair is so exquisite, it has its own Twitter page, @BrooksReedsHair.

In the end, my best guess for a Texan to record a metal album is Brian Cushing. Mostly because I wanted to mention Cush in this piece, just so I could say what's up and welcome back from all your fans on Blue Lot, Section 21.

As proof, I'll offer this: No. 56 is from New Jersey. Pretty sure he heard plenty of headbanging guitars growing up there. He went to a Catholic high school; I did, too. When the Jesuit brothers who ran our place got all holier than thou (all the time, if you think about it) I personally went to my dookie-brown Honda Civic and cranked up some Judas Priest. You can't tell me Cush never did the same thing.

Also, you have seen that picture of Cushing's face drenched in blood during a game, right? If that's not metal, I don't know what is.

"Wait, let me tell you about the new Miranda album, Andrew..."
"Wait, let me tell you about the new Miranda album, Andrew..."
Photo by Shutterbug459/Flickr Commons

C&W Initially, I thought, it's gotta be Randy Bullock. He's an Aggie and his tweets out him as a Duck Dynasty fan who watches Joe Dirt whenever it's on cable TV (which is pretty much every day).

But in the end, I think Antonio Smith is really the man for the job. Maybe the whole Ninja Assassin persona recalls Wu-Tang better than Waylon, but trust me, he's the right man for this job.

For starters, Smith was born in Oklahoma. According to the pre-game package Channel 13 did before last weekend's game, that's where he spent his off season -- tending to cattle and riding horses.

So, the Ninja Assassin is a cowboy (mercifully, not the kind associated with Dallas). You know he's listening to Rocks Off's favorite, Blake Shelton, out there on the ranch. I'll bet he knows all the words to "Okie from Muskogee."

But don't just take my wild, unfounded assumptions as proof. Last February, the menacing disrupter of offensive plays everywhere posted this very chill, very country tweet:

"In Roosters, an old, down home breakfast spot in Jones, Oklahoma full of old timers, I heard this -- 'The faster the woman, the older the whiskey.'"

The story continues on the next page.

 

TV THEME-SONG POP HIT Back in the day, we had plenty of these songs burning up the radio airwaves. John Sebastian's "Welcome Back" and Jan Hammer's "Miami Vice Theme," to name a couple. There hasn't been a big TV-theme pop music hit since the one from Friends, so I'm picking that song and the group of Texans we need to cover it.

Take a bow, Bryan Braman, DeAndre Hopkins, Case Keenum, Earl Mitchell, Shiloh Keo and Cierre Wood, who could also do a joint cover of "Movin' On Up," the theme from The Jeffersons.

These Texans are all asserting themselves as starters or players who will provide the kind of depth needed to make a serious run at Super Bowl XLVIII. And, since all of them love rap music and Bun B, we'll get him to write a dope-ass rhyme to include in the cover.

Plus, I demand a video featuring the prettiest cheerleaders in the NFL -- the Texans', of course -- and this supergroup doing the George Jefferson Dance. Too much to ask?

POLKA You didn't think I'd write an entire blog about my favorite team and not mention J.J. Watt, did you? If you did, perhaps you're one of Houston's I Am Legend-like loners still rooting for the Titans. Remember when that was a big thing around here, LOL?

If you're paying any attention at all, you know Watt is the next true Texans superstar in the making (thanks for the being the first, Andre Johnson). Dude's in more TV commercials right now than the McIngvales and the DeMontronds combined.

He can do whatever he wants and it'll be solid. That's why I am hoping he wants to do polka music. No matter how bad it might be, people are still going to love it. I know I will. And many of my female friends will too, especially if he dons lederhosen.

And, who's to say it'll be bad? On the contrary, it might be freakin' awesome. For one, the kid is nicknamed "The Milkman." He delivers. But, also, he's from Wisconsin, arguably the polka capital of the country. Even if he's not a fan, he's heard some polka.

Pair him up with resident badass accordionist Roberto Rodriguez III. True, he's not Bun B but I'll bet they still thrown down harder on that funky polka beat than Watt throws down puny quarterbacks.

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