Sunday at noon, the Dallas Cowboys and our own Houston Texans face off at Reliant Stadium. The Texans are 2-0 and the Cowboys have not won one game at all this year. The Texans have won two games, and the Cowboys do not have any wins. At all.
Understandably, spirits are high this week on both ends of I-45, with fans on both sides trading jabs over Facebook and Twitter. Families are being torn apart, husbands and wives aren't speaking, and office pools are ablaze with action. Rocks Off even sent a decapitated horse head to the Dallas Observer's DC-9 At Night crew, but that had nothing to do with the game.
In the hopes of inflaming even more bad blood, we've culled together some of the worst songs about cowboys we could find because we can't talk much more about the Cowboys beyond crass name-calling and the like. Sunday afternoons we are usually still asleep, trying to find out why our tires are slashed or telling the mistress to undo our straps.
But our mother knows more about football than Jerry Jones, Wade Phillips and Tony Romo combined. The Dallas Cowboys suck.
Kid Rock, "Cowboy"
For a rich kid from Detroit, Kid Rock sure claims to know a lot about pimping. We heard that his dad was loaded while he was growing up. It's a long road to the middle.
Jamiroquai, "Space Cowboy":
Fuck our lives for being able to type Jamiroquai the first time without having to check the spelling. Sometimes we hate being '90s kids for this very reason.
Paula Cole: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"
Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo you remember this one? We sure do. This and Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" were burning up Mix 96.5 about 13 years ago. [Ed. Note: Probably still are.]
This has to be the most boring hip-hop song ever recorded. It sounds like it was made for a Paul Verhoeven movie. Sick burn!
Big & Rich, "Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)"
By "ride a cowboy," they mean sexual intercourse, ladies. Wink Wink. You get it? Cowboys want you to have sex with them, LOL.
*NSYNC, Space Cowboy (Yippie-Yi-Yay)"
This song makes all the sense in the world in hindsight. You see, cowboys are frequently used as gay stereotypes.
Sting, "This Cowboy Song"
Counting Crows, "Cowboys"
Remember all the prime tail that Adam Duritz, a Jewish man with fake dreadlocks, used to pull in the '90s? Didn't he sleep with all the Friends girls, even Gunter? According to Duritz's Wikipedia entry, he lived in Houston for a span of time. Did anybody know him then?
Toby Keith, "Should've Been A Cowboy"
Believe it or not, Toby Keith has a greatest-hits set called Toby Keith: 35 Biggest Hits. Can you imagine that? We can maybe think of five or six we would download (steal), but 35 is a stretch.
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Fenix TX, "Apple Pie Cowboy Toothpaste"
Fenix TX used to be called River Fenix and used to play Fitzgerald's all the time, true story.