Film and TV

Which One of You Dead Mother******* Asked for a Men in Black III?

I guess I liked Men in Black as much as the next freshman in high school back in the summer of 1997. Will Smith was just coming off of Independence Day the year before, Tommy Lee Jones is always a pleasure to watch perform, the special effects were cool and it even had a catchy theme song with a fun dance you could do. Sort of like the Electric Slide.

And the talking dog! Oh, man! The talking dog!

David Cross showed up in a Misfits shirt and that was hip and nasty, since Mr. Show was just then getting popular.

Oh, and Linda Fiorentino was in it, too, in one of the few roles I can remember where she doesn't have tons of sex or kill dudes. Being an avid late-night cable watcher, it was a treat to see her in a theater with clothes on.

Five years later, they made Men in Black II. Okay, we played along again. Jackass's Johnny Knoxville was still tolerable, Lara Flynn Boyle was in lingerie and David Cross came back by to pick up a check. At the end I didn't care, because that chapter of my life was over and I had more important things to do, like speed and underage drinking.

It's 2012 and finally Men in Black III is making its debut, after years and years in development. The film will be Smith's first since 2008's widely panned Seven Pounds.

Smith comes back after a few years in film dormancy to reprise his role as Agent J to Jones's Agent K, with Josh Brolin playing K in the '60s. Time-travel and a Pussycat Doll are involved.

Smith is going to make jokes about being black in the '60s, he will say "Damn!" a lot, Jones and Brolin will be too white for him, and Smith will scream that scream of his. I am surprised there hasn't been a super-cut of that yet. The pair is still using those old-timey vibrators to wipe the minds of those they come into contact with, too.

An evil alien will no doubt be a threat to our human way of life, and blah blah, close calls, foul balls...

Look, man, aliens are boring in 2012. Just ask M. Night Shyamalan. You wanna sell shit, you should have used some zombie aliens, or sexy teenage alien vampires. Or just rebooted the entire series with Donald Glover and Dennis Quaid.

The whole concept of a secret group of government agents scares Middle America, too, who, if they are up on their Alex Jones mythology, know that they are trying to kill us all. Fighting aliens my patriotic ass. You just want the aliens to come here, assimilate and take our jobs.

Scumlord Pitbull has already released a video for the theme song, which samples Mickey & Sylvia's "Love Is Strange," which you know better from Dirty Dancing.

But no one was asking for a third Men in Black film. At least no one I, or even you, may know personally. Did I mention it took four people to write this one? Is that normal?

If that doesn't sour you on the film, the clip of Smith throwing a macho fit over a man trying to kiss him will. You would think that....never mind. It doesn't matter what we think. No doubt a Men in Black IV is already being planned with one of Smith's children co-starring as the littlest and sassiest MIB that the agency has ever seen.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty