You would think that guitar players could be content shredding awesome solos while holding one of the most worshipped musical instruments on the planet. Jim Morrison certainly didn't give head to Ray Manzarek's organ on stage. No sir, he went down on the all time greatest phallic symbol this side of a firearm.
Still, for some strummers that just isn't enough. What if you want to not only kill a room, but actually kill a room? The good news... if that's the correct way to think about such things... is that the option to go on a murder spree immediately after nailing a blistering lick is totally on the table.
What I'm saying is, clap, you monkies. Clap and cheer, because no guitar player in the history of the planet has been praised for their fine impulse control, and now they're armed.
Masaki Kyomoto Special Has a Sword Built Right In
Assume that you're actor/guitarist Masaki Kyomoto, and for the purposes of this article we'll also assume you're completely insane. There you are, on stage musicing the living shit out of a song when some drunk hurls a beer bottle at you to express their meatheaded displeasure for you guitar, which incidentally looks like it was painted by Van Gogh while he was getting a hot pork bath from H.P. Lovecraft.
No problem! Just grab hold of the rigid purple erect thing... it's Japan, and pull out your full-length samurai sword to exact swift vengeance on all who mock your gear. This was one of four custom made guitars that ESP built especially for Kyomoto, who starred in films like Legend of the Eight Samurai. According to guitarnoize.com, "The guitar features a short scale neck, Alder and cast material body, a carbon nut, a Seymour Duncan SH-1b and the bridge is listed as a 'Badass Type.'"
And a sword. Good luck getting your hands on one. ESP did them just for Kyomoto and isn't selling them on their Web site
In 1996 Damien Esmond wanted something violent and dangerous, so he had guitar maker Ed Roman craft the Damien Death Cross. It has an Arrow headstock, gothic cross inlays, is made from solid lacewood snakeskin wood with an ebony fingerboard, 24 frets, and real Floyd Rose Tremolo. Of course, what really grabs your eye is the razor sharp spike that protrudes from the base. It's visually exciting and metal as all get out, but it's also extremely dangerous.
"I still enjoy the eye popping out of the skull look I get when fans/strangers/mosh'ers in the pit see it for the first time, when they realize that its real as fuck, and potentially deadly (The spike has been inside my thigh twice now( very deep) and my lead singer's thigh once (he's learned to hang on the other side now, for safety)," said Esmond in a letter to Roman in 2010.
Scandinavia produces the best metal, a thesis that is simply beyond argument. However, if for some reason you're putting down your Red Bull and incest long enough to hammer out a rebuttal in the comments, I'd like to introduce you to Kimmo Kuusniemi of Sarcofagus. In 1980, the band was looking for a way to stand out on television, and what better way than to make a name for yourself than by having the ability to set things at a distance on fire without ceasing to play?
Kuusniemi's guitar utilizes a propane delivery system to hurl flames a pretty impressive distance. I realize that this is long before the Great White Station fire incident, but even Kuusniemi himself casually remarks that the thing is ridiculously hazardous to use. Once the valve is on, the propane can pool and leak out if the guitar isn't held upright at all times, and the lighting mechanism involved lowering the guitar into an open flame in order to use, which is exactly what he just said not to do.
Give credit where credit's due, though, it's undeniably awesome, and at least unlike Esmond Kuusniemi had the good sense to point the hazardous end away from himself.
All of the above guitars have one thing in common... they're very distinctive. Sure, you might not realize that the Japanese man with the LSD-inspired guitar can pull a sword out of it, but if you've ever read anything about Japan on the internet and are still not smart enough to fear the danger hidden in weird looking purple appendages then frankly you deserve to get stabbed. Certainly the murderspike and the firegun aren't anything if not ostentatious.
If you need to be ready to kill, but don't want to advertise, then this might be more your speed. This acoustic guitar features a quick, fold out panel that allows you to reach the handgun that you've concealed within because you were apparently not worried as much about how your playing sounds as you were about your ability to shoot people if they mocked how your playing sounds.
Information on the origin on the guitar has been hard to come by. All we've been able to nail down courtesy of Jedi Star is that is was made in Italy sometime in the 1930s or 40s, and ended up on eBay.... Where it was quickly bought.
So Mr. President, if Hank Williams Jr. calls you to apologize for all those mean things he's said and asks if he can make it up to you with a private concert, have the guitar searched thoroughly.
According to the Daily Mail, in the fall of 2010 police busted down the door of a man in Lulea, Sweden who they suspected of supplying illegal guns to local gangs. Did they find illegal, unregistered firearms? Yep, and then some.
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In addition to the sawn-off shotgun, a home made sub-machine gun, a Mauser rifle, two revolvers and a walking stick adapted to shoot like a rifle, the man had also had the above hanging on his wall. The neck had been hollowed out to provide room for a the two barrels of a shotgun, and the body had a trigger mechanism.
The accused work wasn't finished, and he claims it wasn't to be used for any illicit purpose. "They are therapy to keep me off the drink," was his reasoning.