Happy Bastille Day, everybody. Today France celebrates the day in 1789 when an angry mob stormed the eponymous (our new favorite word) prison in central Paris, freed all seven prisoners – they were really after the guns and ammunition, Clash-style – and touched off the French Revolution. As Karen O sang, heads will roll.
In other words, today is basically France’s Fourth of July. It’s just a few days late because the French are never in a hurry to do anything. Please let them enjoy it. France has had a tough time lately, between the U.S. women’s soccer team’s World Cup semifinal victory Wednesday, propping up bankrupt European neighbors like Ireland and Greece, and this whole Dominique Strauss-Khan mess.
Rocks Off has never been to France, something we very much hope to remedy one day. As a Texan, we feel a certain affinity for the French. France and the Lone Star State are about the same size, while the people share a taste for boeuf and spirits and, shall we say, a certain haughty opinion of themselves. For anyone who is lucky enough to be going over soon, we searched out some handy travel advice from some notable English-speaking songwriters.
Visitors To France Needn’t Bother Booking a Hotel Room
“When it’s good as it can be, it gets better, wait and see/ Oh, these folks don’t ever sleep till they’re passed out in the street”
France Can Be Difficult to Locate By Boat
“The wind carries into white water/ Far from the islands/ Don’t you know you’re never going to get to France”
Note: Rocks Off doubts Her Majesty’s Royal Navy would agree with this one.
They Have a Somewhat Liberal Attitude Towards Public Hygiene
The girls is all salty/ The boys is all sweet/ The food ain’t too shabby/ An’ they piss in the street”
There’s No Fellatio Like French Fellatio
“They got diseases like you never seen/ Got a mystery blow-job turn your peter green”
Jerry Lewis Has Nothing On Weird Al
“Every Frenchie that I meet/ Just can’t wait to kiss my feet/ Get in line, pucker up/ Toute Suite!”
Public Telephones Can Be Difficult to Find
“And I looked round for a telephone/ To say ‘Baby I won’t be home’/ I was lost in France in love”
The French Take Their Pastries Very Seriously
“La Bolduc and El Boidi, duking it out for a piece of the pie/ And I finally got mine/ The lemon-meringue kind”
French Girls Are Very Difficult To Get Over
“Choking and smoking to your angelic soul/ Choking and smoking myself into a hole/ Where the only way out is to sleep and to dream/ And to cry out your name”
Watch Where You Walk, Or You Might Trigger a Live WWI Artillery Shell
“The trenches have vanished long under the plow/ No gas, no barbed wire, no guns firing now/ But here in this graveyard that’s still no mans land/ The countless white crosses in mute witness stand”
The Streets Can Be a Little Rough, But They Can Handle It
“Flat tire on the paving stones/ The bicycle is repaired quickly”
The Produce Is Better Than a Marriage Proposal
“And when I promised my hand/ He promised me back/ Snow cherries from France”
The Public Transportation Is Remarkably Efficient
“Walks to the station, tears running down/ I got news/ My baby, done left town”
They Have Absolutely No Problem With Public Displays of Affection
Young love was kissing under bridges/ Kissing in cars/ Kissing in cafes/ And we were walking down Main Street/ Kisses like bright flags hung on holidays
France Is a Stripper-Lover’s Paradise
“There’s a place in France where the ladies wear no pants/ There’s a hole in the wall where the men can see it all”
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This article appears in Jul 14-20, 2011.
