It’s the day after Labor Day, so you’re back inside reading blogs instead of grilling meat and ripping bong hits by a pool somewhere. And even those unfortunate enough not to have had yesterday off are hopefully in a better bargaining position than the Pullman workers whose 1894 strike led to the holiday’s creation (we also trust everyone loudly opposing our government’s policies aren’t observing this holiday, in protest of its socialist origins).
And for all of you who weren’t able to enjoy the fruits of the day, which has gone from an occasion to celebrate the American worker to the demarcation of the the start of football season, hopefully your jobs are better than these:
Piss Boy (Mel Brooks) — History of the World: Part I
The Early Modern French equivalent of the executive assistant. Both are wholly degrading and thankless positions, and yet you still have to get dressed up to do them. Buckets have been replaced with Blackberries in contemporary office settings.
Spider (Michael Imperioli) — Goodfellas (1990)
I feel for Spider, I really do. The kid had what they used to call “moxie,”
but not a lot in the way of brains, unless I’m missing something and jawing
off to the guy who previously shot you in the foot is considered a Wise
Move.
Milton Waddams (Stephen Root) — Office Space (1999)
Of all the jobs on the list, this is the one that will likely hit home for
most. Milton’s also the guy whose actions we’d most like to emulate, for
while Peter felt remorse for unleashing the “Superman 3” virus on Initech
and actually made amends, Milton burned the goddamned building down and
headed south of the border with the loot. Peter may have been the handsome
protagonist, but Milton personified the impotent rage all cubicle jockeys
feel.
Oola (Femi Taylor) — The Return of the Jedi (1983)
Given the choice between playing tonsil hockey with Jabba or getting messily
devoured by the rancor, I’m honestly not sure what I’d choose. But aside
from her ignominious death, the character of Oola also serves to perpetuate
the geek community’s longstanding love for green-skinned women.
Benson (Jerold Wells) — Time Bandits (1981)
The ultimate representation of corporate sycophancy, the Smithers to Evil’s
Mr. Burns, Benson gets the shaft repeatedly throughout the movie, yet always
comes back happily for more, like the fine lickspittle he is. Evil’s
penultimate insult — turning him into a sheepdog — is merely the final
manifestation of capitalist subjugation, as he becomes the literal “running
dog” of Communist propaganda.
Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.
This article appears in Sep 3-9, 2009.
