Ever since the sultry stories of Tiger Woods’ “other life” started to leak
out after Thanksgiving, the attempts to rebuild Tiger’s image have gone from
predictable….
…to even more predictable….
…to downright creepy….
(Can I coin the phrase “Nike-rophilia” for the act of using a dead person to
convey a message of compassion in a sports-related advertisement? Has
anyone put that out there yet? hang on…..googling it…..NOPE!! GOOD,
it’s MINE!!)
We shouldn’t be surprised that Tiger has chosen (or the people who program
Tiger have chosen) to put Humpty Dumpty back together again as some sort of
fan-friendly, baby-kissing, contrite, nuclear-family husband. It’s safe,
it’s cheesy, and most importantly, it sells.
Me? I’m a bit more of a risk taker, and frankly Tiger the Doting Husband
bores me. So in my mind, I think it’s fun to pretend that I am the one
in
charge of rebuilding Tiger Woods. And make no mistake, the shit coming
out
of my laboratory is the polar opposite of the plan Tiger’s handlers have
been executing.
To recap, their plan:
— Rehab for a sex addiction
— Staged apologies
— Interviews with “safe haven” softball tossers
— Press conferences with no TMZ reporters present
— Any legal question goes through the attorneys or is referred to the
police
report
— Any sexual question is a “private matter” between Tiger and his wife
— Nike-rophilia!
— Win majors
My plan…well, it’s a little bit different, and by “a little bit” I
mean
180 degrees different. You see, I am a wrestling fan; I don’t know if
I’ve
mentioned that in the last 48 hours. So naturally when news of Tiger’s
exploits with his graphite shaft became public, I began to see the
storylines develop. As my friend Jim Ross will tell you, the best
wrestling
characters have always been the performers whose on-screen persona has
just
been an extension of themselves, i.e. their “real” personality, with the
volume then figuratively turned way up. Conversely, nothing offends a
wrestling fan more than having a performer shoved down their throats by
promoters who are essentially begging you to embrace them (when they are
the
farthest thing from embracable).
Right now, Tiger’s handlers are shoving a version of Tiger down our
throats
that we (and by “we” I mean people who agree with me; you know, SMART
people) don’t believe, one that was dispelled the second Elin started
shattering
windows on his SUV with a seven iron. I have no use for the new
baby-kissing, Buddhism-espousing, contrite, loyal husband that is Tiger
Woods.
In short, I want a heel turn. I want Tiger Woods to become a villain.
If you’re skeptical, I understand. But let me preface my blueprint by
reminding you that this little leg drop by Hulk Hogan led to what, at
the
time, was the biggest year of business by FAR in the history of pro
wrestling. Isn’t it all about business with Tiger?
The goatee at his presser on Monday gave me hope that maybe this was the
beginning of Evil Tiger. After all, in the wrestling world, newly grown
facial hair is usually a sign of evil. But alas, it was gone by
Thursday.
So if I were handling Tiger, the plan would be simple. Channel certain
attributes from these five wrestlers when you tee off on Sunday, Tiger.
It
would be the greatest sports story of all-time. Tiger Woods, Monster
Heel….
RIC FLAIR
Tiger, when they introduce you on the first tee, not only have them read
your hometown and your name, but have mean Gene Okerlund flown in as
your
personal ring announcer (nothing says ego like bringing your own ring
announcer) and have him introduce you as a “FOURTEEEEEN TIME MAJOR GOLF
TOURNAMENT CHAAAAMPION OF THE WORLD….”, just like Okerlund did for
Flair
back in the day. Wear a sequined robe (underneath you will be dressed
in
black from head to toe, by the way), and hell, go old-school Flair and
have
Joslyn James on one arm and Rachel Uchitel on the other.
Tiger, remember you’re a jet flyin’, limousine ridin’. kiss stealin’,
wheelin dealin’ SON OF A GUN….cut a promo, and remind everyone of
those
facts before you tee off. They need to be reminded. Oh and let out a
“WOOOOOOOOOOOO” after every drive. This is a must.
“MILLION DOLLAR MAN” TED DIBIASE (w/ Bodyguard “Virgil”)
Okay, Tiger, this is the part where you go from an asshole who alludes to
being
rich to an asshole that literally starts to show how carelessly you piss
money away just because….well, because you have money and we don’t.
Take
the Ric Flair persona one step further once you’re out on the course,
and
start channeling Ted Dibiase’s “Million Dollar Man” character. Hell,
take
it a step further and call yourself the “Billion Dollar Man,” because of
that whole “first billionaire athlete” thing.
Moreover, start proving that “everyone has a price” for you, like
Dibiase
paying this little kid to dribble a basketball 15 times….
…12, 13, 14…(kick)…AAWWWW!! So close!! That’s one of my favorite
clips ever.
You can do this, too, Tiger. Bring some little kid out of the gallery
and
tell him you’ll give him two grand if he can make a five-foot putt, and
then
just as the ball is about to go in the hole, kick it into the sand trap,
and
browbeat him for “not getting the job done.” I’m telling you this would
get
eight jillion hits on YouTube and lead every newscast worldwide.
VAL VENIS
Tiger, you obviously like porn stars,
well
how about we make you an actual a porn star? Let’s go ahead and
sprinkle in some Val Venis elements to the new Tiger — show up at the
post-round press conference in just a towel, eating a hot dog, and growling
“HELLLLOOOO LADIES…” at Shelly Smith and Christine Brennan.
If you can somehow film a porn with Sergio Garcia’s sister, like Venis
did
with Ken Shamrock’s sister, and convince the producer on CBS to play it
as
you approach Amen Corner, so much the better…..
THE ROCK
This is where the Tiger-wrestler comparisons become very obvious.
People
hated The Rock when he was “Rocky Maivia,” third-generation babyface who
smiled all the time and was given way too much way too soon. It was the
ultimate backlash. Only when Rocky started telling the fans what idiots
they are, and when he started calling all of his fellow wrestlers
“jabronis,” did he become “the most electrifying man in sports
entertainment” — he became “THE ROCK.” In the end, Tiger, I really
just
want to see you call David Duval a “jabroni” or Angel Cabrera a “rooty
poo
candy ass.” Please, make this happen.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
Okay, here’s the big secret I haven’t shared with you, Tiger. Once you
channel all of these supposed “heel/villain/bad guy” wrestlers and the
fans
hate simmers to a boil, guess what’s going to happen? The fans are
going to
actually want to love you! I know you don’t believe this, but in 2010
there
is no one that people like more than performers who flip the double
rods at every sanctimonious authority figure who told them what they
should
and shouldn’t do. It’s true. Yes, that’s right, at the end of my Five
Point/Wrestler Plan, you will be the most popular athlete in the history
of
sports, surpassing….well, yourself (before you crashed your SUV and
before
Joslyn James got internet access).
So the final step in the makeover, and this is always the trickiest part:
the conversion from heel to the coolest level of wrestler, anti-hero
babyface. The Flair, Dibiase, Venis, and Rock acts would get you
established as a cool heel where it’s fun to boo you. But after winning
the
Masters, when you go over and drop the Stone Cold Stunner on Billy Payne
and
Billy Payne’s entire family and start chugging beer in the middle of the
eighteenth green, the makeover would be complete…..
Tiger Woods…from nauseating babyface to chickenshit heel to cool heel
to
anti-hero babyface, all in a period of eighteen holes. THIS would make
me
watch golf every week. Somewhere, Vince McMahon concurs.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the Sean
& John Show, and follow him on Twitter at
http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
This article appears in Apr 8-14, 2010.
