It’s been quite the year in Hollywood so far. The dueling defamation trials of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were absolutely riveting (and slightly depressing, considering how riveted I was) television. Will Smith connected with Chris Rock’s face with the slap heard around the world at the Oscars. Hell, we even got the Top Gun franchise back in our lives, and people loved it!
Then there was the most recent chapter in the saga of Britney Spears. Fresh off being removed from under the legal thumb of her dad, Britney entered into wedded bliss for the third time in her life, marrying the very handsome Sam Asghari. The wedding went off without a hitch, but it wasn’t without some chicanery from one of Britney’s two ex-husbands.
No, it was not Kevin Federline. Instead, it was Brit’s first husband, Jason Alexander, to whom she was married for about three days a couple decades ago. Alexander has not been married since, and if the live stream he put out on social media was any indication, things aren’t going all that great for him lately. You see, Jason Alexander decided to crash the wedding. Furthermore, he did so with a box cutter. Here was the footage, courtesy of TMZ:
Somehow, I don’t think the box cutter was brought along to help open presents. Thankfully, the wedding still happened, and Alexander is probably looking at some hefty legal bills, if not jail time.
So why am I writing about this in a space normally devoted to sports? Well, because Alexander’s behavior reminds us of a sad reality in not only regular relationships, but relationships with our sports heroes. Sometimes, there are breakups, and these breakups create exes, and sometimes these exes are anywhere from difficult to flat out insane.
In Houston, we’ve watched a lot of athletes leave over the last few years, so I thought a productive exercise, in sight of Alexander’s peccadilloes, would be to rate how crazy each of our major sports ex’s have revealed themselves to be. Here we go:
DELIGHTFUL EX’s
GEORGE SPRINGER, J. J. WATT, CARLOS CORREA
These are all situations where the breakups were fairly amicable. In the case of the two Astro players, the team just didn’t want to pay market prices for high ticket free agents. Both Springer and Correa have gone out of their way to say nice things about the Astros. Meanwhile, Watt requested his release from the Texans and the team accommodated him. He seems very happy now in Arizona. Watt’s breakup was so amicable that he actually showered gifts upon the local media on his way out!
SURPRISINGLY DECENT EX
GERRIT COLE
I say “surprisingly” because on Cole’s final night as an Astro, Game 7 of the 2019 World Series, he immediately started acting all agitated about having to do a postgame press conference. He dumped his Astros hat like a hot potato and replaced it with a hat with his agent’s name (Scott Boras) on the front of it. Cole then left several weeks later for New York and a record setting deal. So where does the “decent” part come in? Well, when asked about the Astros sign stealing scandal at his first Yankee presser, he took ups for the Astros. Hard to hate someone after that.
SKETCHY EX’s
DeANDRE HOPKINS, CHANDLER PARSONS, DESHAUN WATSON
Hopkins was traded unceremoniously in March of 2020, and most Houston fans sided with him at the time. We were aghast. Then, once he arrived in Arizona, and the Texans slid into the toilet in 2020, Hopkins wouldn’t shut up on social media about how bad the trade was. We get it, Hop. The trade was dumb. now go be happy in Arizona. Chandler Parsons did an interview shortly after leaving Houston for Dallas, and made fun of the pollution in Houston. This is like having an ex post on the internet about your bad hygiene. Finally, Watson was a great ex in one respect, yielding three first round picks from the Browns. On the other hand, though, the Texans appear to be on the verge of getting added to his lawsuits as a co-defendant. Not fun. Watson is like the ex who ran up credit card debt on your dime, and the bills keep showing up months later.
THE WORST EX
MIKE FIERS
If Mike Fiers doesn’t go tattling to The Athletic in 2019 about the Astros stealing signs by banging a trash can, then there is no punishment for it. Fiers is a rat. He is the ex that, upon breakup, immediately calls the IRS to tell them that you’ve been lying on your taxes. RAT!
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This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2022.
