Oh sweet Jesus no. Not this. Anything but this.
I don’t know how the Chron gets a sports page out everyday. Star columnist John Lopez has a daily radio show. Star NFL reporter John McLain is constantly appearing on KILT. Richard Justice is getting his own show on KGOW, along with constant appearance on ESPN’s Pardon The Interruption and Around The Horn. I don’t know how these guys find time to do any writing or reporting. They’re always in a studio somewhere, talking to others who don’t have time to do any actual reporting.
And you can add to that list my favorite Chron reporter, Jesus Ortiz. Yes, for some reason The Ticket 97.5 has decided to give Jesus Ortiz his own program. I guess the station management wants its listeners to be just as misinformed as the readers of the Chron. I guess they want to inundate listeners with more of Jesus Ortiz’s hard-hitting reporting like Lance Berkman giving his testimony to high schoolers, or asking how Craig Biggio has touched the listener.
I can hear it now:
Jesus: “Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.”
Caller: “Yeah, Jesus, long-time caller, first-time listener. Uh, yeah, Craig Biggio, like I saw him at like a mall one time. The guy smiled at me, and that cured my cancer.”
Jesus: “Thank you, caller, that’s truly inspirational. But what would really be inspirational is if Drayton would draft some black guys. The guy’s a racist. I’m surprised a good Christian like Lance Berkman hasn’t been able to do something about that. Go ahead caller.”
Caller Two: “Yeah, Jesus. I heard Lance Berkman speak to a high school class. I just wanted to let everyone know that I converted from that heathen religion that is Islam to Christianity. God Bless Lance Berkman and Ed Young.”
Jesus: “Thank you, caller. Now, I just want all of you to remember that St. Louis Cardinals fans are hypocrites because they applauded Tony La Russa and he’s a drunk. And Tony La Russa’s a hypocrite because he was driving drunk and one of his pitchers died of drunk driving. A man like Tony La Russa doesn’t deserve support. It’s hypocritical to support an evil man like that. And he’s evil because he drives drunk and is a member of PETA.
“But I also want all of you to remember to never desert your friends in a time of need. Like my friend Alberto Gonzalez. I’m not sure why Congress is so upset at him. I don’t get into politics. But the man’s been nice to me, so I’ve got to show my support. And I’m really angry at all of those people who called Alberto a friend but who have abandoned him. He deserves our support.
“And that’s been the Jesus Ortiz show.”
This guy is going to make John Granato sound like a professional. I bet Adam Wexler and Matt Jackson are chipping in money to pay his salary because he makes them look good.
Hell, forget about getting me on the air with Milo during a game. I want my own radio show. So, let’s hear it people, there are four sports stations out there in the city, and they’ve got lots of programming to fill, let them hear from you. Get me a show.
And I promise to make Lucy Noland my sidekick – I’ll have them install a webcam.
LET’S DO IT!!!!! – John Royal
This article appears in Aug 9-15, 2007.
