"Snow Leopard," Steve? Couldn't You Do Better?

Dear Steve Jobs,

Ugh. You really think you’re so damn cute, don’t you? Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard? Seriously, what’s the deal with naming your operating system releases after big pussies? Like society has some sort of obsession with cats or something. Pffft. Yeah, Steve, that’s the sound that society makes when society is deeply offended by your assumptions. Society is not amused.

Okay, okay, look. Feigned miffed-ness aside, the big kitty motif was kinda rad. Cats are worthy nocturnal companions, and they make great keyboardists, too. But truthfully, you dropped the ball with “Snow Leopard” this time. Um, “Snow Leopard’? Oh man. Adding a weather condition to an existing version does not make it new or improved, Steve! Wasn’t there any other feline you could think of besides “Snow Leopard”? Hello, what’s wrong with “Cougar“? Do you really believe everything Urban Dictionary says? You’re such a bandwagon rider, Steve. Maybe you should’ve Binged instead of Googled.

Anyway, Stevie, in an effort to assist you in regaining your naming convention credibility, you’ll find a few suggestions for alternate operating system nicknames below. Since your choice of “Snow Leopard” has already been a crowd disappointment, an executive decision has been made to drop the overplayed meower theme and choose something a little more descriptive:

Suggestion #1: Whiskey Dick. Almost immediately upon insertion of Snow Leopard, numerous Appleheads complained that their trusty Hewlett-Packard printers went limp. “But what do you mean the printer’s broken? It used work just fine!” Apple’s reaction? Wilted.
Suggestion #2: Botox. An upgrade! Your Mac will be fitter, happier, more productive! Faster! Stronger! Younger looking! Right? Well, kinda wrong. Post-launch speed buzz aside, the real benefits seem to merely be under the hood. And in your head.
Suggestion #3: Brad Pitt. Well, the new release might not be the corporate standard when it comes to computing a la Windows (sigh), but hey, at least it’s ungodly beautiful and easy on the eyes.

Hopefully you’ll take these well-intentioned considerations to heart. Someone’s gotta look out for you, Stevie.

Love bytes,
Social Distortion