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Film and TV

Cinema Slap Fight: Ewoks Vs. Oompa Loompas

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The Ewoks were in two made-for-TV movies, which took place between Empire Strikes Back and Jedi, so their final appearance in the third (or sixth, whatever) Star Wars movie, presumably they went on to carefree lives of spear making and teddy bear sex.

However, I'm of the school of thought favoring the Endor Holocaust put forth on theforce.net's Technical Commentaries page. Simply put:

The explosion of a small artificial moon in low orbit sends a meteoric rain onto the ewok sanctuary, on a scale unmatched since Endor formed. Through either direct atmospheric injection of small particles, or showers of ejecta from large impacts, the atmosphere will be filled with smoke and fallout causing a gargantuan nuclear-winter effect.

Basically, the Ewoks are now extinct. Winner: Oompa-Loompas.

Continuing Education: More to the point, what did we learn from these respective Randy Newman subjects? The Oompa Loompas were able to transform horrifying (yet hilarious) tragedy into enduring life lessons about everything from childhood obesity (Augustus Gloop), spoiling your children (Veruca Salt), to the perils of TV watching (Mike Teevee). Any one of which easily translates to today's children, though an updated version would probably have throw something in their about online predators (that Slugworth was always suspect).

The Ewoks, on the other hand, imparted the dangerous - and erroneous - presumption that even though one is hopelessly overmatched one can still prevail (Ricky Hatton is probably a big fan).

Ewoks are probably also pretty popular among animal rights extremists, since according to Jedi, one cute fuzzball's demise is more sorrowful than the screaming deaths of thousands of rebels in the skies above. Winner: Oompa Loompas.

The Verdict: There's no contest. Oompa Loompas for the win.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar