Let's All Sue Our Parents Like This Brooklyn Guy

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We are undoubtedly a sue-happy country. At the slightest hint of discrimination, neglect, insult -- hell, even if you have a bad day -- you can find a reason to bring someone to trial. It's obviously all about money, the green foundation this country was built upon, but has it gone totally out of control?

Last week the New York Post reported about a Brooklyn man named Bernard Anderson Bey, 32, who has filed a suit against his parents for not loving him enough. According to the story, Bey is suing his parents for $200,000 because of their lack of affection and ability to prepare him for the real world. Bey is homeless and wrote up his grievances on a laptop from a homeless shelter.

It gets weirder. Bey wants his parents to mortgage whatever they've got and help him start two Domino's Pizza franchises, which he feels will help him in bettering his life. His parents think he's crazy (natch) and have dismissed the guy and all of his claims. So not only did his parents ignore him (allegedly) as a kid, they are doing the same to him as an adult.

This case seems a bit nutty, and the plaintiff may have some serious emotional problems that stem from poor parenting and lack of emotional support growing up. Bey also claims that his stepfather beat him and did drugs around him, and Bey himself has a record for drug possession under his belt. So we can probably all agree, this guy has issues.

But are those issues his parents' fault? Bey is 32. What's the statute of limitations on being a crap mom and dad? If this guy wins, which he won't, will this set off a landslide of people suing their parents for being bad at their jobs? There are a million reasons I can imagine you might want to sue your parents, but I bet there would be quite a few commonalities that all of us wouldn't mind throwing the book at them over.

Taking Away Our Binkies Mom and dad, why did you take away our pacifiers? Is there anything so wrong with us sucking on those things until we die? It made us stop crying, which you liked, and it quelled our oral fixation, which we liked. The result of prematurely abolishing our binkies is a world of smokers and sugar-free-gum chewers. Thanks, mom and dad.

Making Us Go to Daycare When my own mother and I get into it, she always falls back on the fact that I am still angry that she went back to work and put me in daycare. There is nothing further from the truth. I loved daycare. It was playtime and juice boxes and animal crackers galore. But I think I would have a good case if I wanted to sue over this concept, because even if I don't believe it, my mom does, and I bet your mom does, too.

Not Telling Us How Bad Middle School Was "It'll be great," they said. "You'll love it." Yeah, right. Middle school is the worst two years of any young person's life. The scars it leaves are ugly, uncomfortable memories of first periods, hiding boners in class, being afraid of your own boobs, thinking girls have cooties yet simultaneously wondering if you could lick those cooties off of their braces, and awkward facial hair that looks like dirt. And none of those horrors even cover the classes you have to take like Economics and Line Dancing in gym.

Making Us Think That You Had a Secret College Fund For years (even now) I was under the impression that when I got to college, there was this secret stash of moolah waiting for me. Despite the fact that my family was poor and at times we ate dinners that consisted of frozen peas, I still had the unsubstantiated belief that when I got to my higher education, the money would come. "They must have been saving this whole time, right?" Wrong. I bet your parents also tricked you with a sense of responsibility and middle-class entitlement, and maybe now you are also in debt for the rest of your life for your worthwhile degree in the arts and humanities.

Letting Us Date That Guy/Girl How many times after you had broken up with the worst of the worst did your mother or father say, "I never liked her/him"? Then why didn't you tell us that while it was going on? Not at least trying to get us out of our loser, go-nowhere relationships is reason enough for a lawsuit.

I'm sure you can think of many more reasons, but I say let's sue!

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