4. We Have Assumed Control (Of The Airwaves)

Soon you'll be getting Oprah-approved content on your televisiual devices 24 hours a day (minus the late night ShamWow commercials, that is):

In an unprecedented deal, Oprah Winfrey and Discovery Communications announced plans today to create "OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network." The new multi-platform media venture will be designed to entertain, inform and inspire people to live their best lives. OWN will debut in 2009 in more than 70 million homes, on what is currently the Discovery Health Channel. The venture will also include the award-winning digital platform, Oprah.com. [...] OWN's mission is to create multiple platforms for women, men and their families with a purpose and a passion: to celebrate life, to inspire and entertain, empowering viewers around the world to live their best lives, and by doing so, lift the lives of those around them in ever-widening circles.

"Live their best lives," eh? Maybe Joel Osteen can get some air time.

Delays pushed the network's start date back. Meaning you'll have to wait until next year to get OWNed. And just in case there was any uncertainty about who's issuing the marching orders:

In addition to providing her talent, and personal commitment, Winfrey will have full editorial control over the joint venture and will be responsible for OWN's programming, branding and creative vision.

5. American TV Will Return To An Age of Civility And Decorum

Oprah would like you to forget she was one of the earliest purveyors of tabloid style shenanigans before shifting her show's focus to "spirituality" and diatribes against the beef industry. With her show finally out of the way, we can return to those stately days of yesteryear, when gentlemen and ladies like Dick Van Dyke and Barbara Billingsley graced the screen with their quiet refinement. I mean, just look at what's waiting in the wings: