Describe This Movie Using One Simpsons Quote:
SCIENTIST: I'm sorry, we don't play God here.Brief Plot Synopsis: Meet the new T-rex, same as the old T-rex.
HOMER: That's ridiculous. You do nothing *but* play God. And I think your octoparrot would agree.
OCTOPARROT: Polly shouldn't be!
Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: 1.5 Dolemites out of 5.
Tagline: "The epic conclusion of the Jurassic era."
Better Tagline: "Everything extinct is new again."
Not So Brief Plot Synopsis: The former reptilian residents of Isla Nublar are now so bad, they're worldwide. Meanwhile, ex-Jurassic World employees Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) are living in the sticks and raising Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon), the clone of Dr. Charlotte Lockwood. This nominal family unit is also being watched, both by "Blue" (Owen's old velociraptor chum) and bad guys with their eyes on Maisie, the latter of whom may be connected to Lewis Dodgson (Campbell Scott) CEO of Biosyn Genetics.
"Critical" Analysis: In 1993, Steven Spielberg introduced the world to Jurassic Park, thrilling audiences with computer effects never before seen and subsequently kicking off that most unique of movie franchises: one built on that quote about how insanity is doing the same thing over and over.
And yet, wasn't Jurassic World Dominion supposed to give us that long-desired end result? Isn't the not-so-peaceful co-existence between humans and dinosaurs the delightfully horrific endgame what we've wanted since the first JP? The same thing that was teased in 1997'sThe Lost World and all but promised in 2018's Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom?
We'll get to that. As this movie opens, the dinos that escaped stately Lockwood Manor are indeed mixing it up with mankind. The Mosasaurus interrupts the latest season of Deadliest Catch (with extreme prejudice), a herd of Stegosaurs take a stroll across a freeway (also with extreme prejudice), and a mysterious swarm of rapacious, mutated locusts are threatening to plunge the world into famine.
That last bit is how director Colin Trevorrow (co-writing with Emily Carmichael) is able to get the band back together, so to speak. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) believes Biosyn is behind the locusts (the company's crops are the only ones they don't devour). To get proof, she enlists her old flame, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill), evidently because of his vast experience … sneaking around secure research facilities. Luckily, their buddy Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) is onsite at Biosyn and ready to lend a hand.
Back in California, Owen is still on his Crocodile Dundee bullshit, this time with a herd of Parasaurolophus. He and Claire do a predictably terrible job of shielding the world's only cloned human being from a bunch of rednecks for hire, but this has the unexpected benefit of giving Pratt and Howard more opportunities for heroic car chases and parkour.
The plot is goosed along with plenty of "right place at the right time" character intersections, abetted by the introduction of mercenary pilot Kayla Watts (DeWanda Rise), who adds what little non-Goldblum levity there is to the proceedings. Before you can say, "Life, uh, finds a way," the Dino-vengers assemble at Biosyn's facility in the mountains of Italy.
You heard that right: the follow-up to the movie promising us free-range "terrible lizard" mayhem ends up right back in another doomed self-contained dyno facility, just like … all the other movies in this franchise. It feeds directly into Dominion's "been there, done that" vibe: from Owen's motorcycle heroics to rebooting the station's power supply to deus ex Tyrannosaurus to Ian Malcolm's pithy criticisms and just about everything else taking place.
Did it have to be this way? Did we really need to watch six movies of repetitive action predicated on the increasingly stupid decisions to clone these freaking things (make way for GIGANOTOSAURUS, everybody)? Maybe not, but it's hard to imagine Universal taking any chances with one of the few franchises it has left that can compete with Disney. The JP/JW movies have grossed over $5 billion worldwide. Those aren't the kind of numbers you monkey with.
And the results are about what you'd expect. At one point Dr. Sattler, viewing the majesty of the replicated dinosaurs, says, "You never get used to it." Except here's the problem: you actually do. The wonder of what Spielberg did with the original Jurassic Park still exists, but familiarity with CGI monsters breeds, well, not exactly contempt. Mostly just boredom.
Goldblum gets the best lines (upon learning that Owen and company have befriended a raptor: "And you gave it a name.") but neither that nor the belated attempt at redemption for Dr. Henry Wu (B.D. Wong, looking about as over it as everyone else) is enough. The persistent unwillingness to deviate from the formula means Dominion is considerably less than the sum of its predecessors.
Jurassic World Dominion is in theaters today.
