Nothing quite defines us like our bathrooms, and no one wants to be defined by a pedestrian toilet paper holder. No, it should be worthy of attending to the cleanliness of our marvelous selves. Get out your credit card, kid, because I'm about to awesome up your pooping time.

You may be vengeance, you may be the night, but you will still need to get that convenience-store hot dog out of your system. Don't worry, thanks to Reddit user Conrick, your TP can come straight from America's greatest superhero, Batman. He stands 31" tall, and is custom crafted just like the Dark Knight's arsenal of gadgets. Remember, it's Bruce Wayne under that mask. Don't try loading him up with that cheap Angel Soft crap for squares. Spring for the Quilted Northern.

Flashback The Buyer's Guide to Geek Parodies of Goodnight Moon

As long as you're trapped on the can, you might as well reflect on the fact that one day we're all going to die. Our friend here will serve as that reminder. The light polyresin skeleton offers a helping hand and a warm grin for only $11.64. Toilet paper not included, because apparently you have to tell people that now.

Maybe you're not a pissy little goth like yours truly, and you don't especially enjoy a grinning dead man silently critiquing your tinkle. Well then, this handsome fella from Design Toscano is for you. Handsome and hand-painted, he will ["Throne pun" removed as being too easy. Author beaten with stick -- ed.]. It doesn't come cheap, unfortunately, with a sale price of $45 before they come back into stock this May. Royal Ass toilet paper sold separately.