This Sunday, the Golden Globe Awards will return once again to squat like a drunken Pia Zadora on our TV screens.
The 78th iteration of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's exercise in drunken starf*ckery will adopt a different look than "tacky L.A. wedding reception," in that host Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will be on opposite coasts (the former at the Beverly Hilton in L.A., the latter in NYC's Rainbow Room).
Presenters will join hosts in their respective cities, while nominees have been asked to stay home and attend remotely, if possible. Combined with some little seen and some — frankly baffling — nominees, it promises to be both the most boring and least watched Globes ceremony since 2008, when Atonement and Sweeney Todd anchored a "blockbuster" lineup.
Maybe you're not the listening kind, however, and are thinking about checking them out anyway. If so, here are some things to keep your eyes open for. And vaya con Dios.
All The Cruz That's Fit To Punt
With hosts and presenters both confined to their home states, anticipate some well-deserved mockery aimed at Texas's most odious Senator ("We're not leaving our state and there's not even a catastrophic weather event happening," or some such) before you've downed your first glass of Prosecco.
Oh, and you can be sure Cruz himself with lash out at "out of touch Hollywood elites" without ever acknowledging that he, like every other right-wing con artist, desperately wants to be loved by them.
A Borat Sweep? *Very Nice.*
Don't look now, but Borat: Subsequent Moviefilm is not only the odds-on favorite not for Best Film Comedy/Musical, but also the lead comedy/musical acting roles (for Sacha Baron Cohen and Maria Bakalova).
It's been a trying year, to put it mildly, but I think we can all agree that repeatedly reminding us what a cretin Rudy Giuliani is counts as an essential public service.
And I'll pay 20 American dollars to the first entertainment reporter who calls Giuliani for his reaction
Songs for the Tone Deaf
The Golden Globes Ambassadors, like their Academy Awards counterparts, assist during the presentation of awards and are usually celebrity offspring.
However, this year's Ambassadors — Jackson and Satchel Lee — won't have to worry about their father making things awkward when he comes up on stage. Dad Spike was curiously not nominated for his excellent Da 5 Bloods.
Or maybe it wasn't that curious ...
The Oscars (specifically, their nominees) were called out in 2015 for lack of diversity. For once, the HFPA outdid the Academy, as the story recently broke that none of the roughly 90 members (representing 55 countries) of the Association is Black.
Expect the (white) hosts to have something to say about this, for while several nominees are helmed by/feature Black talent (One Night in Miami scored big, for example, but acclaimed films like Da 5 Bloods and Judas and the Black Messiah were largely ignored), none of this may have mattered if 40 Acres and a Mule Filmworks weren't willing to go that extra mile, to wit:
The French Mistake
Many noggins were scratched when the forgettable Netflix series Emily in Paris was nominated over the likes of Never Have I Ever or What We Do in the Shadows. Then it was revealed Emily's producers may have greased a few palms at the HFPA:
In 2019, more than 30 HFPA members flew to France to visit the set of the new series “Emily in Paris.” While there, Paramount Network treated the group to a two-night stay at the five-star Peninsula Paris hotel, where rooms currently start at about $1,400 a night, and a news conference and lunch at the Musée des Arts Forains, a private museum filled with amusement rides dating to 1850 where the show was shooting.
This is only the latest in a long line of sleazy back-scratching between studios and the Hollywood Foreign Press. And if you're wondering what difference there is between the Emily in Paris noms and Ain't It Cool News giving a glowing review to 1998's Godzilla after Paramount giving Harry Knowles a luxury set visit vacation... there is none.
6. Oh Right, The Winners
As to the stated purpose for the show, I expect the notorious celeb fondlers at the HPFA to award the following:
Best Motion Picture Drama: The Trial of the Chicago 7
Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Hamilton
Best Actress - Motion Picture Drama: Frances McDormand
Best Actor - Motion Picture Drama: Riz Ahmed
Best Actress - Motion Picture – Musical/Comedy: Maria Bakalova
Best Actor - Motion Picture – Musical/Comedy: Sacha Baron Cohen
Best Supporting Actress - Motion Picture: Amanda Seyfried
Best Supporting Actor - Motion Picture: Daniel Kaluuya
Best Director Motion Picture: Chloe Zhao
Best Screenplay Motion Picture: Aaron Sorkin
Best Picture – Animated: Soul
Best Picture – Foreign Language: Minari
Best Score Motion Picture: Alexandre Desplat
Best Song Motion Picture: "Speak Now"
Best Drama Series: The Crown
Best Musical/Comedy Series: Schitt's Creek
Best Television Motion Picture: The Undoing
Best Actress - Television Motion Picture: Cate Blanchett
Best Actor - Television Motion Picture: Ethan Hawke
Best Television Actress – Drama Series: Laura Linney
Best Television Actor – Drama Series: Bob Odenkirk
Best Television Actress – Musical/Comedy Series: Catherine O'Hara
Best Television Actor – Musical/Comedy Series: Jason Sudeikis
Best Supporting Actress – Television: Gillian Anderson
Best Supporting Actor - Television: Daniel Levy
Drink up, everybody.
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