Cross-Dressing In The Women's Room? You'll Need These Songs

God-fearing men of Houston: Mayor Annise Parker wants to banish your micturitions back to the Stone Age:

"Houston's first openly gay mayor is now being accused of opening up the women's restroom to cross-dressing men. On Tuesday morning, the Houston Area Pastors Council issued a blistering condemnation of Mayor Annise Parker.

She recently issued an executive order on same sex issues. Members of the religious group say they're not surprised by the mayor's actions. Over the last few weeks, Parker banned discrimination against transgender workers in city government.

The council says Parker has essentially opened up the women's restroom to cross-dressing men."

The "Houston Area Pastors Council," obviously as free-thinking and accepting as the name implies, has...misinterpreted the meaning of Mayor Parker's order, to put it mildly. If Rocks Off isn't mistaken, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act forbids discrimination based on sex (among other things), and yet we don't (usually) have to worry about women wandering in on us while we're doing our business.

But far be it from us to mock a group of men so lacking in confidence in their own masculinity that the mere presence of a pair of high heels might cause shy bladder syndrome. In honor of the Mayor's order, and in order to keep our friends on the Pastors Council from looking over their shoulders while they urinate, here's a selection of songs to make sure everybody stays focused on the real issues: Keeping drag queens out while we're making No. 1.

The Kinks, "Lola": The granddaddymommy of all tranny songs. The Pastors Council could take a lesson from "Lola's" protagonist and let the next Chi Chi LaRue who walks through the restroom door "make you a man."

The Doors, "Riders on the Storm": Okay fine, this track from the Doors' last album isn't explicitly about urinating, but you try sitting through seven minutes of that damn rainfall without getting up to take a leak. It's as unlikely as the supposition that the drug-addled Jim Morrison is still alive.

Aerosmith, "Dude Looks Like a Lady": Ironic indeed, that a song about trannies would turn out to be the comeback hit for a band that was often likened to a bunch of ugly chicks. Aerosmith should have headlined the 1987 Wigstock.

Donovan, "The Pee Song": The apocryphal stories about drug use in the 1970s are brought to terrifying life by this clip. They applauded a guy dressed like Doug Henning making barking noises, for Christ's sake.

Lou Reed, "Walk on the Wild Side": Radio stations were more concerned about deleting references to "giving head" than Holly becoming a she, which is proof of either a) rock and roll's sinister transsexual agenda, or b) the influence of Andy Warhol on our nation's airwaves.

The Jesus Lizard, "My Own Urine":We're sure the Lizards are kicking themselves at not approaching the Hershey Company sooner to discuss incorporating the lyrics "my own urine" and "someone else's blood" into their Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign ("Two great tastes that taste great together").

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar