Okay, guys. Enough with the nostalgia shows already.
We know you've noticed it, the sudden influx of '90s nostalgia bands that have made their way back on tour. Up until this point, it was fine to dig up a few musical memories while listening to an aging band play their radio hits, because the '90s were an awesome time for music, especially alternative rock, and therefore these nostalgia shows are relatively harmless. Cheesy, yes, but harmless nonetheless.
However, at some point during all of this '90s hysteria, no one noticed that there was a change a-comin', and that change is one we'd all be better off without: the '00s. That's right, the '00s. You know, that little decade of time from 2000 to 2010 that basically killed everything that was decent and listenable about mainstream alt-rock? Yeah, that one.
Thanks to the success of these '90s nostalgia tours, '00s alt-rock bands are jumping on that bandwagon and booking tours together as bad-music collectives, and they're resurrecting all that was awful about that period of music in the first place. I don't think I need to remind everyone about how terrible frosted tips on whine-singing dudes were, right?
Well, too bad. Until these '00s shows stop, I'll be reminding everyone of not only how terrible frosted tips are, but how awful music from the '00s was, because I'm afraid for our nation. We don't need a collective group of '00s musicians making their way through the country, with their tour vans all full of manscaping products and scenesters. They'll update their freakin' Myspace pages and it'll cause a snowball effect of other crappy '00s musicians to follow suit. Myspace updates are like the bat signal of an '00s artists, you know.
We've already got bands like Hoobastank and Alien Ant Farm set to traipse through the city on tour. We don't need any more to come trailin' on in behind them. If we open that door, it may not be one we can close, folks, and it's way too soon for anyone to be pining away for the days when George W. Bush was head bitch in charge and Paris Hilton had a show on network television. Why take our chances?
Just in case you need a good, strong dose of suck to wake you up to the cruel, cruel noise that was the '00s, we've made a list to remind you of what bands could be in your future if this nostalgia path continues to sludge its way across the nation. Here are the Top 10 suckiest bands of the '00s. Just an FYI, though? This list could have gone on for miles. MILES.
10. Good Charlotte I'm gonna go right on ahead and say that most pop-punk from this time period was a big fat ball of suck, but Good Charlotte's pop-punk was mixed in with a hearty dose of some emo shit, which only made that concoction stink worse than normal. The Madden brothers were so edgy, too, with their guyliner and all.
9. blink-182 Perhaps not the worst of the '00s offenders as far as their musical quality goes, and Travis Barker is a fuckin' beast on the drums, but blink helped further that whole pop-punk craze during the '00s, and are therefore responsible for the birth of bands like Simple Plan and Panic! at the Disco, which makes this entire decade of music suck just a little bit harder than it did before. We can't have them training a whole new legion of horrible pop-punk bands, can we?
8. Theory of a Deadman I would take being pepper-sprayed dead in my eye over listening to these guys any day. They're filled to the brim with misogynistic, self-important suckage, model themselves after Nickleback, and one song has them professing that they're "so sick of the hobos." Really, guys. Please, no '00s nostalgia, or these fools may find their way onto the bill.
7. Sum 41 These guys were not punk, not rock, and not even good. They were just generic and boring at their very, very best, and they were whiny as all hell at their worst. Remember "In Too Deep" or "Fat Lip"? Neither does anyone else, because it was the type of music you desperately tried to rid your eardrums of once it infiltrated them. Their lead singer, Deryk Whibley, now looks like the Mr. Heat Miser, though, so that's awesome.
6. Evanescence Ugh. That's the only word that accurately (and objectively!) summarizes Evanescence. Amy Lee's voice is a nerve-grating, one-dimensional emo train wreck, and who even knows what the rest of the band is, considering the lineup changed almost daily. All you need to remember is that during the '00s, emo suckage and some Limp Bizkit-esque "rap" had a baby, and they named it Evanescence.
5. Buckcherry Two words: "Crazy Bitch." Oh, and maybe three more: Worst. Song. Ever.
4. Avril Lavigne Although I would have preferred she stay in the '00s, Avril is still around and she's still making terrible, terrible music and dressing like a 14-year-old at the ripe old age of 28. Seriously. Her new song sounds just like that shit show she put out years ago, "Sk8er Boi." We don't need more Avril, we need less Avril. Less '00s acceptance, less Avril.
3. Nickleback I don't even need to explain why Nickleback sucks. I would like you to know front man Chad Kroeger is married to Avril Lavigne now, and they're both perpetually stuck in the '00s, so if they spawn, we're screwed. Oh, and what the hell is on Joey's head?
2. All-American Rejects These dudes are sticky, aspartame-filled bubblegum "punk" with a dose of horrible vocals and a serious ego problem to boot. Anyone remember that abysmal "Dirty Little Secret" song? Yeah, that's them. These guys still tour, by the way, which is why it's even more important to keep the '00s contained, and they're notorious for dickish moves like, oh, smashing fans iPads and schtuff.
1. Godsmack Their name was pilfered from an Alice in Chains song, they stole their sound from Alice In Chains, only they bastardized it and made it so much worse via Sully Erna's growling garbage, and every song they recorded sounded horribly similar to the one before it. Recycled, monotonous, boring, lame and, oh, copycattish. We don't need them to emerge from the bowels of the '00s on any nostalgia tour any time soon, do we?
If that soul-crushing list isn't enough to prove the point, I would also like to remind everyone that this is the same decade that brought us music from not only Ashlee Simpson, but Paris Hilton as well. Do I need to sing a line from "Stars Are Blind?" I didn't think so.
ROCKS OFF'S GREATEST HITS
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.