3. Your drink is on the right and your bread is on the left. Daunting is the moment that you roll into Jim Bob's wedding reception and see full place settings for each diner. You're crammed into tight quarters with a table leg in your crotchular region. Don't make things worse by drinking out of the wrong glass. An easy mnemonic is to make the "OK" sign with both hands by touching your index finger to your thumb. Your left hand will resemble a "b" and the right a "d." You're welcome.

2. Butter the plate, not your bread. Few things are more annoying than crumbs all up in the butter. I want to paint my canvas of toast with a pristine coating of butter. Serve yourself butter by lopping off a hunk of butter with the butter knife and putting it on the edge of your butter plate. Pass the butter to the right (unless the uncultured clowns at your table are already passing the wrong direction) before buttering your bread from your mini-cache of spread on your china.

1. Chew with your mouth closed already! Movie characters and sick people typically smack. The former because the actors are trying to sell you that they're actually dining and not thinking of their next line. The latter because they're trying to breathe and chew at the same time. The dining table isn't a library, but the bulk of the sounds should be from conversation, dining and serving. I'd rather eat with the cows than with a table full of smackers. Cows have no excuse. Now you don't either.

You may have noticed that cell phone usage wasn't mentioned. It should go without saying that texting at the table may be technologically advanced but is entirely unrefined. Leave your phone off unless you are an on-call physician or the National Security Advisor.