Midtown is one of the few neighborhoods in Houston where one can nearly get killed by a homeless man wielding a shank and driving a shopping cart, and then, within the span of two blocks, nearly get killed by a yuppie asshole wielding a cell phone and driving a BMW. It's always an adventure, which is why I've brought my date, a striking brunette with bangs and incredibly long legs, to Front Porch Pub (217 West Gray, 713-571-9571). The first thing we notice is that the waitstaff is all female. If it weren't for the male bartender, you might think the place was owned and operated exclusively by Amazonian models from Urban Outfitters. We order a round of drinks, and I notice two gentlemen directly behind me talking loudly about how much liberal bias there is in the media. I snicker. Soon afterward, two other dudes to our left begin angrily discussing the indisputable fact that all journalists are left-leaning, treasonous cretins. I decide the Wednesday happy-hour crowd isn't one of Front Porch Pub's strengths. They seem to put the "pub" in Republican. We move to the bar and ask Tony the bartender for a specialty drink. He thinks it over for a moment, then snaps his fingers and whips up something he calls the Leg Spreader. How fortuitous. My date loves it. After she downs the first one and orders a second, I make a mental note to leave Tony a huge tip before we rush back home to...umm...watch some Fox News.

1 ounce Captain Morgan rum
1/4 ounce Bacardi 151 rum
1 ounce peach schnapps
Splash cranberry juice
Splash pineapple juice

Combine rums and schnapps. Add juices, stir, and top off with ice. Savor the delicious liberal-media bias.