Remember Gatorgum? No, it's not a gum disease caused by the disgustingly sweet nature of Tim Tebow that has been crippling the entire female population ever since the QB's time back at the University of Florida (although that's not a bad name for the Tebow hysteria, is it?).
It's the Gatorade brand of chewing gum developed in the '70s that was available up until the early 2000s. It came in flavors like lemon-lime and orange and...oh, wait, that was it. Regardless, Gatorgum had an odd appeal, and I kinda miss it. Gets me all nostalgic and shit.
And now that I think about it, there are plenty of other old-school snacks that I miss.
Here's the list of defunct snack foods that I wish were still around:
7. Giggles Cookies Looking back, these cookies were creepy as shit, but they were freaking delicious. Somehow, despite the fact that he probably went food shopping once a year, my grandfather (or Poppa, as we called him) always had Giggles at his house. If you knew Poppa, you'd find his fondness for Giggles fitting, given that his m.o. on his frequent visits to New Jersey was sitting in our garage...in the dark...by himself...and scaring the shit out of my friends when the floodlight flashed on. (I guess that's what made Poppa giggle.)
Regardless, at Poppa's house, heading over to the cookie jar and grabbing a couple of cookies with possibly the world's scariest smiley faces cut into the tops became a ritual. With both chocolate and vanilla cream filling, these cookies were the predecessors to snacks like today's Double Stuf Oreos.
6. O'Boisies Potato Chips
"Oboisies are o'boisterous!" Somehow, this slogan flew in the '80s, and to my knowledge, no one was fired because of it. Amazing, isn't it?
These "oboisterous" Keebler-brand thick-cut potato chips were filled with plenty of dips and bubbles. And they were my absolute fave; I tried to sneak them into the shopping cart on probably every grocery store trip with my mom, but my request was usually denied. Available in Original and Sour Cream & Onion, the chips being incredibly crispy, incredibly salty and incredibly greasy. Most likely they were incredibly bad for you, too.
5. Cheez-It Party Mix
Sure, there's a Cheez-It mix now, but it's not the same. I'm talking about before they lamely renamed the box Cheez-It "Snack" Mix. Before they got rid of the playing-card-suit-shaped, cheese-flavored crackers (shuffles) and replaced them with wheat squares. With tangy Cheez-Its, salty pretzels, cheese-flavored rice balls and sesame bread sticks, the mix was perfect as is. Why ruin the party, Cheez-It? Why?
4. Shark Bites
These gummy "fruit" snacks came with mystery-flavored, creamy-textured white sharks whose actual flavor I could never fully identify. And they remain among my favorite fruit snacks to this day. Luckily, the shark-shaped fruit snacks can still be bought on Amazon (but for a price).
3. Pop Qwiz
Remember this? The fluorescent-colored popcorn made by Pop Secret in the '90s? You know, the one that let you guess which color the popcorn would be while it was microwaving? The same one that turned your hands and probably your intestines the most unnaturally bright shade of neon-green? Yeah, that one. I loved that stuff; it was the only cool kind of quiz after second grade, when you no longer got stickers for spelling Pluto correctly (this was back when Pluto was a planet and all was right in the world, of course).
2. Butterfinger BB's
The marble-sized, Bart Simpson-backed predecessors to today's Butterfinger Minis were discontinued in 2006. But Bart's still around, so why aren't his beloved BB's? Is it because not even the marketing department knew what exactly a BB was to begin with? I prefer the little balls to today's miniature bar-shaped candies, but it's mostly because I'm stubborn.
1. Keebler Magic Middles
So you're telling me the Keebler elves took all that time to smuggle melted chocolatey filling out of their own factory to hide inside chocolate chip cookies for us, and this is how we repay them? By discontinuing them?
I miss these cookies dearly, but I'm hoping the Milano Melts that I've been eying in the supermarket but have been willing myself not to buy can eventually fill the chocolate-filled-cookie-size hole in my heart.
What are your favorite discontinued snacks? Is someone really trying to sell Shark Bites for $64.99 on Amazon? Would you pay that? Let us know and make sure to look out for our discontinued Drinks and Fast Food editions in the coming weeks.
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