Now I was a singer in a band, and that band wrote a song called "You Cannot Kill David Arquette." We wrote a lot of other songs, too, and most of them had more esoteric and poetic titles. Still, that's the one I like the best because it's just as bald as you can be. Here's David Arquette, and you can't kill him because he's like a ninja/X-Men/member of the Fellowship of the Ring.
I can't really stress how much brain damage I've incurred over the years but it's a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I love a good song title that makes you ponder every possible double meaning and entendre within a web of lyrics, but sometimes it's fun to just take the pants off the things and let the wang of musical triumph just dangle with pride. Today we salute the floppy cock of blunt statements.
Taylor Swift, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" For a girl that's made her bones with good love songs followed by good break-up songs, it seems like Ms. Swift just decided to go with something that sounded more like the preamble to a restraining order. You've got to wonder what the hell was the final push that sent her from high school notebook poems to this?
Crime in Stereo, "Long Song Titles Aren't Cool Anymore Because the Rest of You Fuckers Are No Good at It" Amen, brothers. There are very few bands that can pull of ridiculously long song titles, and you're the only one that can pen it to a song that's only 30 seconds long.
Insane Clown Posse, "I Stab People" and "Still Stabbin'" There were plenty of ICP tunes to choose from for this article, but I love how at some point they looked at each other and remarked, "I don't think 'I Stab People' said all that needed to be said on the subject" and penned a freakin' sequel. The combination of the two songs earns the clowns a place.
Morrissey, "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful" When it comes to song titles of ridiculous length Morrissey is one of the great masters. Even so, usually he sprinkles Morrissey dust on them to make them magical little e e cummings-ish pop tune titles. Not this time. This time it's a bitch slap to haters and you have to love that. Mad Morrissey is the best Morrissey. On the other side of the coin...
Cop Shoot Cop, "Everybody Loves You When You're Dead" I have a feeling that if we could all somehow watch our own funerals they would end in an ectoplasmic orgy of chair hurling and spectral cries of, "BULLSHIT!" You should speak no ill of the dead, but you should also never co-opt a person's death to make it all about you. Cop Shoot Cop nailed that sort of thing perfectly in this track, and the title leaves no ambiguity.
Jimmy Buffett, "Please Take Your Drunken, 15-Year-Old Girlfriend Home" You probably expected a certain song about inebriation and sex, but the title of that one is actually just "Why Don't We Get Drunk?" which is not quite what I was looking for. Buffett went further in this track left of at the last minute of Havana Daydreamin', which shows him fed-up with some snotty, boozed out teen girl who tells Buffett she liked Jethro Tull better than himself before running off to the bathroom for the fifteenth time.
Pink Floyd, "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict" Though it's not exactly that, Roger Waters did seek to pretty much recreate exactly that same ridiculous combination musical contributors through spoken word, animals sounds, and tapping a microphone. It did inspire Man or Astro-man? to write, "Many Pieces of Large Fuzzy Mammals Gathered Together at a Rave and Schmoozing with a Brick," which is, alas, just a regular song.
Igor Stravinsky, "Do Not Throw Paper Towels In the Toilet" Though I've combed through the catalogue of the composer of The Rite of Spring and "The Firebird, I have yet to run across this composition. Yet popular legend has it that Stravinsky wrote a tune for unaccompanied treble voice inspired by a sign he'd seen in the Harvard restroom. Regardless, Stravinsky's advice is good. Paper towels do not disintegrate like toilet paper, and may clog the toilet.
Bloodhound Gang, "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Cryin'" From the band that gave us "Kiss Me Where it Smells Funny," you get a combination country tune and King Missile spoken word rant. It may literally be one of the most surreal and depraved things ever put in a recording, what with the masturbating to the picture of a missing child on the back of a milk carton and all.
Anal Cunt, "No, We Don't Want to Do a Split Seven-Inch with Your Stupid Fucking Band" Really, Anal Cunt should get their own article as they are probably the least subtle thing in the whole history of music. I almost picked "I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America's Funniest Home Videos," but rather than play to their intentionally offensive image I thought I'd go with what is probably a more sincere statement of intent.
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