I'm not here to tell you how Valentine's Day is a corporate crock, nor am I here to tell you that the only refuge of a single person on V-Day is burning a box of your past lovers' memorabilia while sobbing into a pile of old mixtapes. Both of those ideas are gross, as are most of the Lonely Hearts-style events that are thrown to boost alcohol sales at shitty bars.
That said, there are plenty of bad-ass events going on this Valentine's Day, because -- for better or worse -- it's a Day That People Do Things, so plenty of places offer cool stuff to do. And while none of these events require a date, it'd be equally awesome to bring along some friends and make the most out of the upcoming Weekend of Love.
My Filthy Valentine: Pink Flamingos at the Blaffer Art Museum February 14, 5 p.m.
John Waters' seminal trash-tastic classic, Pink Flamingos, is being screened in the courtyard at the University of Houston's Blaffer Art Museum for free at sunset on Valentine's Day. To complete your evening of deliciously low-brow, low-cost entertainment, grab a roadside burger and chocolate shake at Cream Burger just down Elgin and pretend you're in Baltimore.
Valentine's Day Beer & Cheese Pairing at Saint Arnold Februrary 14, 6 to 8 p.m.
Houston's oldest brewery will pair its beers with cheeses from the Houston Dairy Maids, and the cheesemakers themselves will even be on-hand to discuss their products. Saint Arnold specifies that the evening is geared towards people with or without dates, so bring a pint glass and an appetite. Tickets are $25 and are available online.
Bohemeo's Bad-Ass Bike Ride Februrary 14, 7 p.m.
Meet up for the weekly Bad-Ass Bike Ride that departs from Market Square Park and takes a pleasant path through Houston's East End to Bohemeo's. The ride covers roughly 15 miles, but it's leisurely enough for even beginners to break out their bikes. Whether you grab a bite before the ride at Niko Niko's in Market Square Park or hold out for Bohemeo's fish tacos or pizzas at the end, you'll find plenty to nosh on while you make new friends or just enjoy the evening air.
Beetle at the Continental Club Februrary 14, 7 p.m.
Every Thursday, Houstonians of all ages twist and shout through Beetle's three-hour magical mystery happy hour set that starts at 7 p.m. Covering every single stop along the Fab Four's pop odyssey, the weekly event has a devoted following, which means the Continental Club's dance floor can get crowded, so get there early. I recommend staying on foot the entire night once you find a parking place: grab dinner before the show at Tacos a Go-Go or Natachee's and wind down after with a drink at Double Trouble or the brand-new Alley Kat.
Dead Roses at Rudyard's February 14, 9 p.m.
If you're intent on really having an on-the-nose anti-Valentine's Day celebration, catch glam rockers Dead Roses at Rudyard's (who, coincidentally, played their first live set on Valentine's Day 2004), who are known to play such covers as the Pagans' "What's This Shit Called Love." Before you head upstairs, though, grab one of our favorite pub burgers in town for dinner.
Suzanne Vega at Dosey Doe Coffee House February 15, 8:30 p.m.
Suzanne Vega -- SUZANNE VEGA -- is playing The Woodlands, and I don't mean Cynthia Woods Mitchell. Instead, you'll get a much more intimate performance from the songwriter who wrote the soundtrack to your life in the '90s at Dosey Doe Coffee House, which is quickly becoming one of the best live music venues in the greater Houston area. Inside the charming, 100-year-old Kentucky barn, you'll get dinner and a show starting at $78 (dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. and includes a salad, entree, dessert and drinks) or $118 for premium seats.
Don McLean at Dosey Doe Coffee House February 16, 8:30 p.m.
If Suzanne Vega isn't your cup of tea, you can get the same great deal -- dinner and a show at Dosey Doe -- the very next night, while listening to the great Don McLean. ("American Pie" is pretty much guaranteed to make an appearance; don't worry.)
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Bubba Ho-tep midnight screenings at the River Oaks Theater February 15 and 16, 11:55 p.m.
This cult classic featuring the equally cult-y Bruce Campbell is a surprisingly tender tale for a movie about an aged "Elvis" and a black JFK confined to an East Texas retirement home teaming up to fight mummies. Grab dinner beforehand at one of the many great restaurants within walking distance -- Brasserie 19, Americas, Epicure Cafe, Pesca or Cafe Ginger -- and then grab a coffee at one of the three nearby Starbucks before the show to keep you properly caffeinated. Tickets are $10.