Bar Beat

What If Houston Bars Were Named For What They're Really Like?

Sometimes a bar's name alone doesn't give a clue as to what it's really like. What's its niche? Who are the patrons? Is it cheap, expensive, pretentious or fancy? Is it a dive? 

What a bar starts out as isn't necessarily how it ends up, either. They evolve and acquire a personality shaped by patrons as much as by the employees. That got us thinking: what if  Houston's bars were named for how they really are now? 

As the saying in the industry goes, please enjoy and remember, it's all in good-natured fun.

13 Celsius: Getting Wine Professionals Wasted Since 2006 

Anvil Bar & Refuge: Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful 

Bad News Bar: Have You Accepted The Negroni As Your Personal Savior?

Bad News Bar (Depeche Mode Version): Have You Accepted The Negroni As Your Own Personal Jesus? 

Big Star Bar: After You Spend All Your Money Downtown, We'll Still Be Here Drinkin'

Camerata At Paulie's: Where The 13 Celsius Staff Gets Drunk On Their Days Off

Cedar Creek: I Like My Kids, But I Also Like Booze

Cottonwood: The Romper Room

D&T Drive In: Because Drinking Beer In Your Own Back Yard Is For Losers 

Dirt Bar: Drinking With The Stars

Double Trouble Caffeine & Cocktails: Uppers & Downers 

360 Midtown (formerly Gaslamp): Free Profiling With Purchase Of Bottle Service

Grand Prize Bar: The REAL “Employees Only”

The Honeymoon: Uppers & Downers With A Sandwich
Houston Watch Co.: Hold My Old Fashioned And Watch This 

Johnny's Gold Brick: Don Draper Would Drink Here

Kirby Ice House: You're Legal When We Say You Are

Kung Fu Saloon: Because Free "NBA Jam" is Worth Expensive Drinks and Overcrowding

La Carafe: We'll Still Be Here After The Apocalypse 

Ladybird's: Any Place With Han Solo In Carbonite On The Door Couldn't Possibly Be Bad

Lei Low: House of Booze Bowls 

Leon's Lounge: When You Wanna Pretend You Know Way More About Whiskey Than You Actually Do

Liberty Station: Helping Washington Avenue Suck Less Since 2010

Little Woodrow's Midtown: Keeping Midtown Tolerable for More Than a Decade

Lola's Depot: Come for the People Watching, Stay for the Cheap Booze

Lucky's Pub: Keeping Houston Hammered When We're Not Bailing Water

Maple Leaf Pub: You Can't Have a Bad Time with Drunk Hockey Fans

Mongoose vs Cobra: Come For the Badass Taxidermy. Stay For the Drinks. 

Moving Sidewalk: Uncle Alex’s Cocktails & Counseling 

Neil's Bahr: Revenge of the Nerds

The Nightingale Room: Proof that Downtown Is Starting To Not Suck 

Notsuoh: We Actually Do Have Prince Albert In A Can—Somewhere. 

OKRA Charity Saloon: I'm Drinking for a Good Cause; On That Note, I'll Have Another

Petrol Station: It's Called A "Bottle Share," Not A "Drinking Problem"

Pimlico Irish Pub: I Want to Drink Good Whiskey, And I Want To Do So Alone

Poison Girl: You're A Drunk Pinball Wizard, Harry!

Public Services Wine & Whisky: Grandma’s Living Room (Except Our Booze Hasn't Been Sitting In A Cabinet For A Decade)

Reserve 101: Next On “Hoarders”: Whiskey 

Richmond Arms Pub: A Real British Pub—Minus the Pretentiousness

Saint Dane's Bar & Grille: Because I Like Drinking With My Dog Way More Than With My Friends

Shiloh Club: All The Weird And Cool Uncles Hang Out Here 

Spare Key: Take The Slivovitz But Leave The Red Bull 

Sunny's: When You Work Downtown And Don't Wanna Go Home

T-Bones Sports Pub: This is Exactly What A Bar Called T-Bones Should Look Like

Twin Peaks: We're Not Sure What An Entendre Is, But We've Got A Couple Of Big Ones

Warren's Inn: Did You Want A Drink Or What?  

West Alabama Ice House: If That Cool Old Guy In Your Neighborhood Opened a Bar

Wooster’s Garden: I Feel Pretty. So Pretty.

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Phaedra Cook
Contact: Phaedra Cook
Clint Hale enjoys music and writing, so that kinda works out. He likes small dogs and the Dallas Cowboys, as you can probably tell. Clint has been writing for the Houston Press since April 2016.
Contact: Clint Hale
Nicholas L. Hall is a husband and father who earns his keep playing a video game that controls the U.S. power grid. He also writes for the Houston Press about food, booze and music, in an attempt to keep the demons at bay. When he's not busy keeping your lights on, he can usually be found making various messes in the kitchen, with apologies to his wife.
Contact: Nicholas L. Hall