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Best Dynamo

Pat Onstad

Pat Onstad is the best goalie in Major League Soccer. Period. That's why we're glad he plays for us. Nobody tops the keeper's ability at dashing a shooter's hopes of getting a goooooaaaaal! Sure, scoring helps in the winning department, but those points would mean jack if the other team were able to turn around and match them. Onstad also knows his defenders and is able to organize and work around them in order to create one killer first line of defense. If you have any doubts about his skill, just take a look at some recent 2008 season games where he's been MIA. He was actually playing for the Canadian National Team. Oh, Canada, is there anything you can't do?

Best Gun Range

Top Gun Handgun ­Training and Shooting Center

If you own a pistol/rifle/weapon, chances are you have a favorite place to shoot — and Top Gun should be that place, with its spacious indoor range and cheap fees. Monday is seniors' day, and anyone older than 62 can shoot for free. Women get the same deal on Wednesdays. There's a nice area to relax, decked out with hunting lodge-esque furniture and decor. The store has a cafeteria, meeting rooms and plenty of friendly staffers. The real genius of Top Gun, however, is that even if you don't own a gun, you can still unload with an Uzi. For $30 an hour, anyone older than 21 can rent a fully automatic weapon — including the Thompson submachine gun — though the deal comes with a "babysitter" for the range. Handguns are also available for $10 per hour. The store offers a variety of classes, from concealed handgun certification to training with tactical weapons. Top Gun gets bonus points for recycling all spent cartridges and for its nice display of Star Trek and Star Wars memorabilia, including official Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader Lightsabers, and a Storm Trooper Blaster.

Best New Astro

Darin Erstad

Erstad isn't new in the rookie sense of the word, he's just another new guy on a team full of other new guys. Besides just being an all-around badass (he's been to the MLB All-Star Game twice and has won a Gold Glove three times), he's just a good, old hardworking dude. He's no slouch like some other unnamed Astros, and there's nobody else on the roster this season we'd rather see walk into the batter's box to pinch-hit during a clutch situation. At age 34, he'll keep performing and will still be an Astro for at least a few more years, we hope.

Best Place for an After-Work Jog

Eleanor Tinsley Park

As long as you're there before dark, Eleanor Tinsley offers a pleasant tour of Buffalo Bayou with plenty of pleasant scenery and shade. The trail follows the bayou below the theater district, through Buffalo Bayou Art Park, past the new public skatepark and through plenty of tree-filled openings, all with the skyline in the background. The twists and turns allow for a choose-your-own-adventure workout to keep you from seeing the same old thing day after day. But if routine is your style, there are plenty of trails perfect for your short- or long-distance trek. And with so many options, you never have to worry about breaking out of the pack or slowing down the people behind you.

Best Place to Canoe

Armand Bayou Nature Center

The Armand Bayou Nature Center is a good place to be outside. Located in a suburban neighborhood in far south Houston, the center is not "off-the-beaten-path" cool, but it is a big area where you can experience a lot of nature-y things. One of those is a canoe trip down the Armand Bayou. The nature center offers a guided trip on the second and fourth Saturdays of each month. About a three-mile round trip, it costs $25 and reservations are required. We can't guarantee you'll see anything breathtaking — you might — but Armand Bayou has enough of a backwater atmosphere to make you feel Deliverance.

Best Place to See Real Fake Wrestling

Doomsday Wrestling

We wouldn't be surprised if Doomsday sent one of its "wrestlers" to our door to fake beat us up for this award. We tested fate last year by naming the athletic-comedy-acting troupe as Best Comedy Show. But we'll take our chances once again in order to tip our hat to antics that would either piss off the wrestlers of WWF or make them laugh so hard they pee their pants. Forget the fights — the competitors alone will have you in stitches before the bell for round one. Doomsday's roster includes Bill "The Thrill" Korczynski, a geriatric has-been who's been defeated in the ring by more heart attacks than opponents. Kosher Killer, Russian Bear and The Stormin' Mormons make up the ever-increasing variety of beefed-up stereotypes and other fighters we're not so sure about, including Precious Jewels, a gender-bending oppressor who dons a head-to-toe, sparkly pink S&M suit and defeats his opponents by dry-humping them. These guys and more are matched up for bouts that result in both headlocks and hilarity. Ding!

Best Place to Walk Your Dog

The Unofficial Dog Park at Allen Parkway and Studemont

Although not an officially recognized dog park, this is one of the most popular spots for people and their pooches. It features tons of open, flat space for walking, running and playing fetch. There are woodsy areas for the more inquisitive canines, and its right on Buffalo Bayou, perfect for swimming or a quick cool-down. Its situated at the bottom of a hill, a good ways away from the road, so you dont have to worry about Fluffy wandering into traffic. And, perhaps most importantly, the folks who use this park are pretty darn good at picking up after their dogs. So remember to bring a bag — or two.

Best Place to Watch Ultimate Fighting

The Tavern

Yes, there is a $10 cover, but it's worth avoiding the usual unpleasantries — i.e., a lack of seating and uninterested company. Around town, your group's chances of finding a seat at UF viewings are about as good as Chris Lebon's against Rampage Jackson. (And don't even pretend like Lebon would stand a chance, because you know that fool would get beat down!) But all smack talking aside, The Tavern's wealth of bar space and more than 100 televisions ensure you don't have to arrive at the place at 8 a.m. to make sure you have a seat for the 9 p.m. fight. Plus, the cover filters out all those who aren't actually interested. In other words, it's all about the fight. The Tavern has all the necessities for the UF crowd — choice eats, nice beer selection and a quick staff. Plus, in the unlike-most-places department, The Tavern is stocked with pool tables, so you can pass time during the talk-about-nothing breaks between fights, and there's also a patio filled with TVs. So even in the smoking-ban era you can simultaneously satisfy your tobacco and man-on-man-action addictions.

Best Play-by-Play Announcer

Bill Brown, Astros TV

Listening to Bill Brown do the Astros has always been great, but it's gotten better and better the longer he's been working with Jim Deshaies. The famously goofy former pitcher brings out Brown's usually hidden puckish side. Still very much the straight man, he's now managing to land a few jabs in the back-and-forth that can make listening to yet another Astros slump bearable. Not to mention that — as always — he's as hardworking, knowledgeable and easy to listen to as they come.

Best Public Pool

Downtown YMCA

It's official: The current downtown YMCA building, a ten-story Renaissance Revival structure designed by Kenneth Franzheim in 1941, is coming down, and a new (and reportedly smaller) Y will be built near the current location. Some members might be dreaming of the new, shiny, state-of-the-art facilities, but we're going to miss the current Y's pool. Yeah, it's past its prime, but the lovely tiny blue tiles that cover the room and pool's edge (mismatched as some of them are) recall a more gracious time, before Speedos and water aerobics. A home to ex-swim champs and kids in floaties alike, the Y's pool is an egalitarian refuge for the aquatic set. And the Y's subsidized fees make it possible for everyone to enjoy the water.

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