An Exclusive Interview with the Astrodome

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This interview was conducted before the Rodeo and the Houston Texans made it known that they may be amenable to allowing the Astrodome hotel project to proceed.

As some of you may remember, the Astrodome was hit with citations for numerous fire code violations last month. Various county and city personnel and politicians were questioned over the violations, as were employees with the Houston Texans, the Houston Rodeo, and Reliant Park. But the most important participant in the whole thing was not interviewed, so I decided to do something about that.

Nobody ever bothers to interview the Astrodome when something happens regarding him. Well, nobody except for us here at the Houston Press. He’s not that hard to find – he’s even on MySpace. So, seeing as how we haven’t spoken to him since November of 2007, and seeing as how he was back in the news, I thought I would send the Astrodome a note requesting an interview.

After exchanging numerous e-mails over a matter of weeks, the Astrodome consented to my interview request, which you can find below. We discussed the citation and his relationship with the Rodeo, the Texans, Harris County, and Reliant Stadium. We also discussed his relationship with Yankee Stadium, and how his contemporary Shea Stadium is dealing with his impending death.

So, sit back and enjoy. -- John Royal

The citations that you received supposedly dealt with a lack of water pressure to the fire sprinklers. Is this really the case, or is the County up to something?

The County is just doing their job, protecting myself and the public at large. But of course, they are innocent pawns in the Rodeo’s power play, and the Texans are all too happy to play along.

Is there any truth to the rumor that your neighbor Reliant Stadium might be hogging all of the water? Would you care to say comment on the truth or falsity of this?

I’d say Reliant is simply reaping the benefits of the ol’ Dome falling into disrepair. But that smug bastard makes me sick just the same. The supposed repair costs are about $250,000, and the County is being difficult about paying the costs. Is there anything you would like to say to the County Court?

Hey, Harris. $250K is chickenfeed. Hell, that’s a grand champion steer and a couple of Miley Cyrus tix. Step up to the plate, dude. You have hosted many great events: the UH/UCLA basketball game; Bobby Riggs/Billy Jean King; The Who; The Rolling Stones; 2 MLB All-Star Games; an NBA All-Star Game; a political convention. And I could go on.

Do, go on. How about Elvis? Hear that, Reliant? Elvis Fucking Presley, dude! What have you got, Linkin’ Park? Jeez. Whiny-ass punks don’t even know how to enjoy being rock stars. How does it feel knowing that the only thing you're used for is a bunch of drunk rednecks waiting for the Rodeo traffic to ease up? Well, I tell ya. They may drunken rednecks, but they’re MY drunken rednecks, my peeps. I’d rather have them than those posers in designer jeans and Mercedes SUVs who wouldn’t know a real country song if it ass-raped them for an hour.

Speaking of the Rodeo, I note that there have been several proposed new uses for you, but the Rodeo has an objection to everything suggested. Are they trying to get rid of you? If so, just what did you do them?

The Rodeo and the Texans are getting bad advice from bean counters only looking at the bottom line of any business day. Combine that with a lack of appreciation for classic architecture and a lack of creativity. How can you expect the man that let Vince Young slip through his fingers to be able to think outside the box? I’m talking about you, Bob McNair! As the world is no doubt aware, this is the last year of Yankee Stadium. Why is Yankee Stadium getting so much more attention than you did during your final baseball season?

New York is a major media center, plain and simple. To them, Houston and everything in it is a hell hole.

How do you and Yankee Stadium get along? Are you friends? I know he's much older, so is it more a father-son thing?

Yankee Stadium and I are boys. There is definitely an age difference, but he took me under his wing when I was the only dome in the league. We used to drink Mickey Mantle’s and Billy Martin’s booze when they weren’t around. The new one may in fact be the third incarnation, I dunno. Another of your contemporaries, Shea Stadium, is also in its last season and will be demolished. How is Shea taking his pending death? Have you been able to offer any words of comfort?

No, but he’s realistic and is ready. In fact, word on the street is he’s hired a mobster demolition crew to do the job ASAP and get it over with. He’s been hangin’ his hat on the Mets and that one Beatles show and knows there is no sentiment to muster a preservation. Dude has some stones.

Is there some kind of support group for stadiums that are being phased out or are no longer used?

I used to go to group, but man, that shit is for pussies. Wanting me to “get in touch with my inner dome” and tell everybody why I hate my mom. I ain’t got no mom, dumbass! Maybe if Tony Soprano’s shrink, what’s her name, the MILF? Oh yeah, Dr Melfi, I’ll go to her group. If I might get a little personal, but is there any stadium that you really just hate? How about love -- are there any little Domes on the way?

Alamodome, pretentious-ass fuck. Comes barging into Texas talkin’ NFL bullshit. Hope you enjoyed all those Final Fours. How ya like the Spurs now? You’re a disgrace to the Alamo City and your namesake.

As for minidomes? None “that I know of,” heh-heh. There have been rumors about the Carrier Dome at Syracuse University, but there’s never been a paternity test. Maybe his mom, old Wembley Stadium, will finally start demanding some stadium support since she’s been cast aside for new Wembley.

And this just for you: you can say whatever you want to the city of Houston, the county, the fans.

My fans from not only Houston but worldwide have been a great support since I started MySpacing and I love you all!

Thanks for your time Astrodome. And this is for you, dude, Elvis Fucking Presley!

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